I’m not sure what exactly it was, but by this afternoon I had a heavy sense of fear in my heart. I think it might have been to do with the nightmares in the past few nights, or perhaps the minor accident this afternoon, or the thought that my apple store account might have been hacked into. Anyhow it was a foreboding sense that something bad might happen, and it weighed on my heart. After a while I thought to myself, what worse thing could happen when one of my worst fears have already been realised these past few months?
Fear is crippling. It crowds the mind and renders one out of breath, and it makes one more lonely than ever. And there can always be more fear. It intensifies — i fear falling ill myself, i fear having to spend nights alone in the hospital, i fear i will one day fear being alone, i fear there is no hope.
There are good days; west coast park mccafe was one of the best. We got what we set out to do — there were problems and we had to make a detour, but it turned out alright in the end. There was strength enough; there was some certainty; there was hope enough, and as we sat and watched young people and sipped our drinks and had our tea, we felt stronger, surer, more hopeful.
Many times i don’t know what to say. Sometimes i don’t know what to do, and then i’m reminded that there are ways to find out and it will be okay. Often i don’t know if i’m doing right, or if there’s anything else i should do. But there is also a stability that comes from knowing that it is not all up to me, that it is not my burden to bear alone. There is only so much i can carry, and that all i will be asked to carry.
Sometimes the morning brings with it its own new hope and strength. The best days begin with a reminder, a serene recollection of promises that will hold true no matter how untrue i am. i am not mine to save, and i don’t need to save anyone. All the saving has already been done. i am not the one who has overcome the world.
How precious is He!
