Psalm 139

i’ve been thinking for a while that i ought to write again, because it helps me sort some things out in my mind, and it’s always bad when things are just left to fester within. But too many days it has also been hard to start writing, simply because there is so much to say, and yet nothing at all. If anything, these few weeks have been a time of isolation — not because i’ve not been in the midst of people, but because whether or not i am with people, and no matter how many, there is the nagging sense that i am ultimately still alone.

There was a time when i recognized that kind of an aloneness, and i thought it was fine, and perhaps even a good thing. This time the isolation feels a lot scarier, like the ground is giving way beneath and there is nothing that would hold me up. It’s almost as if a certain stability and certainty that i took years to find earlier has been lost somewhere along the way.

It could be a good thing. Perhaps it is being forced to come face to face with everything that is real, and realizing that i’m a lot less real than i had wanted to be. Perhaps it is a matter of recognizing what is already there, and being accepting of it all. Perhaps it is a matter of remembering what i ought to remember, because only that can save me. Perhaps, perhaps.

But there has certainly been many occasions that i’ve been given opportunity to think: If there is nothing else that occupies me in my life, then what? What is my life all about, in its very essence? Who am i really? And that is when the ground gives way beneath. i have a feeling i’ve thought of all these before and found really good answers as well, but somehow i’m finding it hard to remember.

My memory is too poor. i can’t recall past events, and worse still, my memory is pessimistic-selective. i can’t remember people either, and worst of all i can’t remember love.

i feel uprooted, i feel in limbo, i feel insufficient, i feel helpless, i feel trapped, i feel unsure. And i know i’ve felt like this before and people feel like that all the time, and i know it doesn’t have to be like this always…but for now it is hard to see beyond the day, and i’m thankful for the very tangible reminder of the engraving on my ipad:

in Your book they all were written
the days fashioned for me

And for now it is enough.

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