you can’t trick an old dog, new teach’.

sometime along the way i have been thinking about the opening of the heart, how hard that is, though how important. and it’s something that seems to recur in every aspect of my measly life. in fact i think it’s something that many people try to learn in the course of their (probably less measly) lives too, but most people call it simply “falling in love”. but love is not just for a single special friend, you know.

so over the years i’ve learnt to keep away, and to be safe. and that has taught me much independence and calmness. people talk about finding a partner with the same faith, and why/why not. to me it comes down to something very simple: how could you live with the knowledge that the one you love most is not assured eternal life? it’s hard enough with most of my family, and i cannot in any state of consciousness make it harder than it already is. it’s that simple.

so even with the people around me, i very quickly and often subconsciously calculate the odds. if there is little chance of pain, i might probably be more open, faster. either that or i just like that person a lot.

today i was invigilating a test, and looking around at my form class kids, i caught sight of one who seemed to be peeking up to check if i was really angry. catching my eye once he grinned his usual grin that makes people laugh. looking around at my class today i had a stab of ache at thinking that perhaps i cannot keep them forever, perhaps there could be no forever. and it’s sad. my favourite friend at work also sometimes makes me think that, and i don’t know what to do about it, if there’s anything to do about it.

j’s girlfriend’s mum passed away, and it’s a very difficult death to accept because of the circumstances surrounding it. talking about it with him and the rest made me tear in the office today. it has to be very traumatic, and even from where i am, twice removed, i feel the pain. how hard it must be for her, being up in the villages, not even able to get an embalmer and having to wait this many days to bring the body back to singapore. it reminded me of a and mj, and what Pastor said about how to pray. how, indeed?

sometimes we think that there has to be some perfect pattern in our prayers, when all God asks of us is honesty and openness. why can’t we speak plainly, with heartfelt words?

today i was really angry with my class. i knew i was really angry, because i had to count to ten, because i felt all the blood rising to my face (so it’s true), because it made my voice louder than usual, and because it showed on my  face enough for my usually boisterous class to be quiet. i love this class, and i want them to do well, but at their test today i found on the tables of 2 boys work that they were not supposed to have. it was hugely disappointing, and i made it clear: you can do anything, but never be dishonest. don’t you even dare think about cheating! all the more when you don’t even need to cheat to do well. how can you not even try?

what would they grow up to be? yesterday i marked all their stuff in a hurry so that they can get feedback in time, and i sent an email to the class telling them how i’ve been pleased with their progress so far. this morning when i went in they were busily but happily talking about possible points to write about, and i was glad to see their smiles and engagement.

yesterday’s anger was not really anger. it wasn’t exactly disappointment (well not with them at least) either. it was more like tiredness and mild perplexity. this other class started out performing better, but has been getting less and less on task recently. even after a supposedly fun activity yesterday, they were distracted, scattered, and not bothered. so i let them off early, since they were so obviously uninterested. i was upset, but as i thought about it, i realised that they were probably really just tired out. so i got them candy today. happy candy that i think is cute, and fun. and they were happier.

these are my kids. i want so much for them, but i feel like perhaps i’m not helping much. what else is there to do? just as i’m discomforted by the silence, and just as i’m counting the days now, and just as i’m trying to keep my head above and be a sun beam a la scout finch, there is so much to be honest about, to speak openly about.

where else have we to go, when You alone have words of eternal life?

dimple worse

in new circumstances, simple words can mean much.

we all have had our fair share of angry teachers, but it never occured to me that it is such a noble thing for them to be angry, because not every teacher cares enough or is concerned enough to respond so personally. not every teacher takes each class and each pupil to heart and assumes full responsibility for the kind of person each turns out to be. not every teacher sees each child as his/her own child. angry teachers are good teachers.

honesty is often taught as a fundamental value, and deceit as a big no-no. but self-deceit is so much harder to spot. we can spend our whole lives thinking and writing and saying what we know we ought to, without ever coming face to face with who we really are. and when we are never honest enough to see ourselves, how can we be honest enough to tell someone else, i’m sorry, i need help, i want to know how you do that, i want to do something for you too? how can we say we know grace, when we never admit we need it? how can we say we know friendship, when we never practise what it means to be a friend in need, nor really know what it means to find a friend in need, because we have never admitted our needs? honesty is not just about not taking what’s not yours; it is also about taking what’s yours: my faults, my idiosyncracies, my peeves, my habits, my weaknesses are all mine, and i take them to be mine. if you will see them too and know me  i’ll know i have a friend in you.

one day

I have many memories of my schooldays, one of which is particularly sad. When I was in Primary 3, my music teacher was absent for a few days, and when she finally came back to school, she always had puffy eyes and a red face, and looked like she had been crying. So many people wondered what was wrong, and there was word that went around, that her husband had just been killed in an industrial accident.

Through the years I’ve seen many examples of people who gather themselves and face the world with a calm face, despite personal tragedies that take place. Many times we are forced to do that, but there are those brave ones who do it much better, and who not only cope, but continue to be a positive energy around others. I’ve always admired them. How hard it must be to continue smiling, and to give of yourself to others when you’re breaking into pieces inside.

I’ve always wanted to be somebody as strong as that. But I don’t think I’ve been doing it very well. Either that or I do it at all the wrong times. Teaching has made me think again about that. I always knew that I never want to be the kind of teacher who vents her moods on the class, and makes the class be at mercy of her tempestuous whims. I always want to enter my class happy, and be stern only when necessary. I want to always be energetic, and never let my tiredness show. But I haven’t thought about what to do when everything I am feels questioned when I enter a class. I also haven’t figured out what to do when the negative energy in my class saps me within an hour or less.

I mean, I’m the adult here, hello. I should have already gotten myself sorted out, and I should be telling them all these triumphant stories about life and the little things in school. And they should be eagerly lapping up all my stories and thinking to themselves, yay there is hope after all.

But as many have realized, things are not always this idealistic. Nor are they always this pessimistic. Probably it is just an equilibrium that has yet to be reached, because the entropy sometimes threatens to be too much. Sometime, everything should settle down, and work can actually be done, well done.

There are good days and there are bad days. In the final count, there are no wasted days.

o ye of little faith…

the sum of

In between penning down reflections on anniversary and various happenings in school, I was just thinking how glad I am that my career advancements and other developments in my measly life are in the hands of God. School is probably as harmless as any workplace can get, but the extensiveness of human fallibility definitely reaches it as well, sometimes to even greater impact. So there are all these things going on in this little world, and sometimes it makes one wonder why and how. Starting work also has prompted me to see the kind of competitiveness that takes place in this arena, and hearing stories from other friends about their workplaces and their colleagues make me very thankful for mine, albeit still mildly wary in case I overstep the fine line between friendliness and friendship.

Thus it is definitely reassuring to have one thought to go back to: my days have been fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. (Psalm 139) There is no need to want to prove anything; whatever is given to me is given to me for a reason, and I shall learn to do them all with the same spirit of excellence I see in those around me, given to me.