these are happy days

these few weeks have been so happy, so enjoyable, so filled with good stuff that i don’t even remember what bad stuff there was. many days were well-filled, and even if it was with slightly unpleasant tasks, they were always made better with other things that came along…other matters, other activities, other good company.

there has been much to thank God for, and much to learn about having my entire paradigm expanded. many things help us do that, and in doing that, our notion of God’s greatness also expands, and our prayers also become a tad more realistic, more relevant, more reverent. but first we must pray, and we must read.

in the midst of the happy sprays there still needs to be that quiet spot. many things more to think about, and to prepare for. we can’t see what tomorrow will bring, but we make sure we are well-equipped to meet them, and still be happy enough.

little wonder

we had a little farewell gathering for chloe on sunday, since she’d be leaving with her family for melbourne next week. so we had a little fun facts section on melbourne, one of said trivia being that melbourne used to be called batmania (maybe related to tasmania?)

upon hearing that, one of our little girlies asked, do people eat bats there? we were shocked, and asked why she thought so. then she said, “at pastamania we eat pasta. so shouldn’t people eat bats in batmania?”

:p

during the same session, we learnt that australia used to be used as a prison by the british in the 1700s. we tried to explain that 1700s was a long long time ago, more than 300 years before now, and that’s a really long time cos none of us there were born yet.

so in an aside, one of the many asides we have, one of my little girlies asked me,

was that really many many years ago?
yes that was.
so we were all not born?
not yet, we weren’t.
but God was already born?
God always exists; He was here long long ago!
so He’s the first one of all?
yes, He is the first of all.
so was God born first or was 小娘惹 born first?

yesterday it was “that i may make known to all the unsearchable riches of Christ”, so it was the thought of “unsearchable riches of Christ” that was in my mind. and it’s something that Pastor talked about one pm, that to catch a glimpse of the greatness of God always involves having our minds blown away by ungraspable, incomprehensible thoughts that help us see how there is a beyond, a something bigger and a someone mightier and a somewhere prettier…

in a little way the unsearchable was felt in a conversation that stretched my mind beyond what it has been used to for a while. to find that there is need to reconsider lingo, because to be most honest and to test each assumption, there needs to be fresh words and a new consideration of thoughts.

and today was “the fellowship of the gospel”. and there was nice fellowship indeed, first in school, and then over an online chat, and it was a great time. sharing passages, attempts, jokes, history, interests, thoughts, worries.

just something to remember each day by, because too often the problem is in not remembering.

i also want to be able to think.

grace

is when you know you are nothing, you are bad, you are not reliable, and the Lord still keeps you and gives you much.

being angry with yourself about being short-tempered, and yet still having a good time, because.

grace is full and free, and often it is in the recognition of our own weakness that we realise how precious grace is, how it is the only thing that sustains us.

yesterday i asked the Lord to teach me what grace means to me, to help me appreciate it in a new way, after i read that part of Eph 3: “this grace was given…” and during the day i found myself getting short-tempered again, and thinking unkind thoughts at times. it’s in the face of the monster within that we see the truth that grace is free, and undeserved.

today, i realised that grace is not something to be learnt in a day. new appreciation every day, yes. but always more to understand.

this morning we continued our ed psych class which we started last year, and this was a bigger group of us that had been in the same courses last semester as well. ms lee and dr d were both in class, and they thought to take the time to address the class regarding the passing of p. it is the first time we are being told about the matter formally, and it is the first time we are talking about it in such a setting. there were many tears, some words, two minutes of silence, and cards passed around so that words of condolence can be sent to p’s family in india.

quickly enough we had to go on with the lesson, but it was not without a conscious decision to move on bravely,  to remember in action by doing what p would have been doing if she had come back, and to each find a greater sense of purpose in what we’re doing together. i’m thankful that we do have a very supportive group of friends here that will last beyond these few months, and that we can all laugh and cry together. it’s not something that comes easily, and i thank God for knowing me. a asked to pray aloud with our entire class, and it was nice to see how everyone wanted him to, and with wisdom he did, and i’m glad too. in a way, this helps us to grieve, as we do, as we ought to, and it also helps us to continue.

grace is the chance to live each day, and the strength that comes for the tasks of the day, the hope of being able to see a better tomorrow. grace is a gift. it is free, and it is undeserved. it is love.

another reason to be glad

 

last first day of school

today was really nice, and there are so many things to thank God for, even though the day isn’t even through yet!

the morning was nice, serene and expansive in time and space. then when i got on the train at je, who should be in the carriage but mw, which is major coincidence, as serendipitous as meeting p at pageone. so there was someone to hang out with before class started, and generally to be comfortable with even while squashed in the boonlay crowd and on the bus. then when i got to class, making a new friend right away, and she was so sweet. and she knew r, whom i bumped into at AUPE during the hols! then saying hi across the classroom, and finally meeting cz, with whom i have at least 3 common close friends. and forming a group on the spot, and a vibrant, steady and interestingly diverse group at that! and then catching up with p, before going to get things done, and then lunch with j. that was enlightening, because talking to j is often both intellectually stimulating as well as soul-searching. so we talked about our classes, our friends, our experience in NUS, his impending marriage, our family, priorities, people, death, education…at one point he asked me, so how did you feel when you heard the news about p’s passing? i didn’t know how to answer his question, like somehow there was just nothing definite in my mind that i felt i could say. so i kinda mentioned shock and disbelief, and trying to get used to the thought. what he said, though, really resonates in my mind. “maybe it’s proximity, but i was quite affected when i heard the news, and i’m not afraid to admit it.” then he went on to share a little about his interaction with p, his worries for her last sem, the conversations they shared. explaining why it was upsetting for him, and why it still is.

from the book and note he gave me out of the blue last sem, and the fact that there was and is no ulterior motive besides the preciousness of pure friendship, i’ve known j to be someone who treasures relationships, and who is sensitive to many details. i guess it is with my new year resolution that i saw today’s conversation slightly differently. his candidness in sharing his honest feelings, and his openness to talk only made me see how used i am to being closed up. guess realisation is a start, and perhaps it’s starting to be more honest with people, thinking and saying what i think, responding as i feel/deem wise, and not simply giving answers i figure people might want to hear.

then getting a lift from m to the station, and many laughs with kw and ph along the way. they are a really special bunch. m contemplating if she should bake cupcakes for class tomorrow, and how our meet up with the rest of the crazy people will be.

then other things this week to look forward to as well! i asked the Lord to teach me to love better, and so far He’s been showing me again and again how He loves, how people love, how love is supposed to be the greatest of all.

are they not in your book?

different places and people and experiences make different parts of us, and when all the little bits come together, there’s us, each one of us built to be who we are, even when we sometimes aren’t too sure who exactly. that person deep inside, that core being that is who we are behind all the nervous jokes and crazy talk.

the part of me that comes back from msia cannot believe that a life like the pretty fairy=tale like one i hear is possible. that there are friends who have been around a long time, interests that remain, family that is always there as it should be. that part of me cannot believe that two people who were once strangers can live together the rest of their lives and make something good of it. that part cannot believe that anything could possibly unconditional from a human bean.

and then there are the other parts. and perhaps one day those other parts will be the bigger parts, the more important parts.

meanwhile, school begins again tomorrow, and it’s significant, not just because it is my last semester as a student for a while, but also because there are new eyes to see it with. to know that one of us didn’t even make it back for the new semester makes me treasure this time in a way that i’ve not really known before. at least there’s life. at least there’s a second chance. at least i can try again to make good.

i told my lovies at our class gathering that i’m gonna try not to complain, and i’m really going to try. because when you see things in the light of life and death, there’s really nothing much to complain about. and what’s more, this holidays i’ve seen and known so much love. i’ve been able to feel for once, completely at home, right here at each place i go, even if it’s no place at all.

when i thought i must learn to say honestly, i have you in my heart, and to know what it means to really love, i thought the best way to start is to think about all the love that the Lord has already poured into my life, through people. and this hols has been a good time of being with some of these people, and being that close to seeing what He means for me and how He knows, and how i can keep on trying to know better too.

so here’s to tomorrow; to unexpected turns that will teach us not to worry; to serendipitous moments that will remind us of the blessings of being much beloved. here’s to trying harder, of being more thankful, of holding moments as precious, and of gathering new treasures.

fellow-ship

“I hope to leave places and people better than I found them–not because I changed them, but because I loved them with Christ’s love.”

http://lotsofscotts.blogspot.com