week 1

i finally understand a lot better why people are so excited about the weekend. it’s friday! (!!!!) despite the fact that i still have to report tomorrow, i am glad that it’s finally friday. not so much because work is so bad, but really just because the weekend is something different, something comfortable, something familiar.

by day 3 i came back and cried till i needed a cold spoon, and thought i should never be a teacher. seeing better what teaching entails, and realising that i might not have the heart to do it. that was probably the saddest thing — that i am not who i want to be, not even who i try to imagine myself to be…and that i did not love enough. i remembered a time when i could say surely that i do things because i love Him, and not because of anything else. but on day 3 i felt like i could never do anything selfless again. yet, can anything threaten to take me away completely?

thankfully, the Lord brought people to talk to me, even though i was hiding at home and not going on msn. strangely enough, people talked to me on gmail, and in the talking to friends, i came out of that mire. at least now, i can function, and think, and read, and try again.

and so i did. it was a lifting of the soul, and funnily, my passage from Ps119 on thursday morning was the part that began “my soul clings to the dust; revive me, O LORD, according to Your word”. indeed!

in fact, it has been quite amazing tracing the thoughts of the psalmist in this psalm. i relate to it a lot better than i’ve ever used to, maybe because now i see the continuity of thought more, and i empathise more because my situation is uncannily similar to that of the psalmist, albeit to lesser severity.

today, it was recognising the Lord’s sovereignty and power again, and seeing how, as i ask Him, i then respond with an effort of my own, like it is in the next section of Ps119. but realising that only He can do those great things, and then knowing my place, and praying.

things suddenly turned around, as only is possible when God is in the picture. what a Saviour!

Jesus, what a Saviour

You are my strength, when all my strength has ended
You are my hope, when all my hope is gone
You are my joy, when my world is full of sorrow
You’re the peace in my tomorrow, for i know that You’ll be there

You are my song, when my melody has ended
A light in the storm, when i can’t find my way
You are the One who gives my life a reason
Someone to believe in; You help me carry on

Jesus what a Saviour You are
Saviour You are
Jesus what a Saviour You are

You are my Rock, when i need a place of refuge
A hand reaching out, when i stumble and i fall
You are my all, in every time and season
You are all i’ve ever needed, every time i call

Jesus what a Saviour You are
Saviour You are
Jesus what a Saviour You are

You heard my cry, You answered my plea
Gave up Your life, gave me everything
Now forevermore, i’m devoted to You
That’s why i sing my praise to You

Jesus what a Saviour You are
Saviour You are
Jesus what a Saviour You are

What a Saviour You are
Jesus.

day 2

this is how it’s going to be. sometime ago i realised that i was beginning to be conscious that my profession demands that i be selfless, and if i were to be happy in my profession, i’d have to be completely selfless and very focused. the sad thing is how i felt that it would take effort to do that. i’m not naturally selfless.

one of my favourite lit profs quit varsity and went on to a semi-private and very exciting high school. she wrote on her blog about how, as she looked at a slightly shy and slightly angsty teenager trying to hide behind her mother on the day of registration, she thought the sense of desire to help was what made her sure of her calling.

i’m looking forward to finally having a class of my own. but before i get there, it’s plenty of letting go, plenty of facing up to, plenty of forging on, plenty of going back to the Word, plenty of seeking and knowing that it’s okay to go on even if i’m not completely sure yet.

the strange thing is that i want to be with people and don’t want to be with them, at the same time. i want to have my time filled, but i want to have time to myself. when i’m by myself i have no interest in anything. but interests are cultivated, and time will pass no matter what.

somewhere along the way, the beauty of words has been beaten out.

it’s time to build a new scaffold. it’s time to fill in with different things.

question

why is it that when we feel lousy, we always think that we feel the lousiest of all and that nobody can feel half as lousy?

actually many people feel lousy sometimes.

another world

from yesterday’s service i recovered from that brittle heaviness. from chronicles of narnia just now, i remembered:

1. that it is possible to change greatly and become someone great
2. that it takes special eyes to see…see Him, see how our lives are as exciting as a narnian battle even in the seemingly mundane everyday.
3. that it takes belief and humility to defeat the increasingly high-tech enemy
4. that even when we can’t see, we can believe.
5.. that the end is victory for us, and we must never give up!

“do you not remember, Peter, who really defeated the white witch?”
“why did their unbelief stop you from coming to Me?”
“we can never know what could have been; but what is to come, that we can know.”
“perhaps you weren’t really looking.”

a divided leadership/army/people leads only to defeat. the only way to win is to play one’s own little role so well that everyone fits into the plan perfectly. and it’s back to my meditation this morning from ephesians 4:11-16, paul’s amazing single sentence exhortation and instruction.

it is not for us to know the times and seasons of things…but we never go alone, and we are not bereft. the victory is already won!