God’s servants, my heroes

in my mind i see the picture that was in the papers — our own yuyu standing brave and tall, stoically holding the likeness of his brother; uncle and aunty in black/grey suits holding hands; pastor standing between them, with them, for them. and throngs of people behind. so that’s what it means to wait, with our face set like a flint. because God is here, and in Him we find more than answers, more than comfort, more than strength.

everything is a lot more real, and heaven is nearer. God is so close, and now we know that for sure, surer and surer. his work is done, ours is not. so we continue in his spirit, with the same God he loved and obeyed keeping us, lifting us, loving us. and we love, and we obey.

no good thing will He withhold

thinking about fulfilment and following this week…and how even just the physical aspect of following is difficult. and yet there is the encouragement to persist.

sometimes we wish life were a little less unfair, or that we have a few more friends, or that we were a little prettier, a little slimmer, a little tanner, a little less emo, can sing better, can write better, can draw better, can speak better….and it goes on and on. sometimes we look around and recognise that there is nothing going for us. it’s nothing new anyway, and it’s not even being fatalistic.

but learning that following is walking in the footsteps of, that no one else needs to understand, that no one else did understand. that when there is nobody else around, one can just focus on the experience of the leader. and find comfort and strength in walking in the footsteps of, even if it be hard. simply being there is good enough, and there is always someone ahead.

it never occurred to me until now that everytime he says his goodbye blessings, he means it as his last. just in case. it never occurred to me until now that he too has been thinking about it, that he has been saying goodbye for real all this while. that his 平平安安, 顺顺利利 are his hopes for my entire life.

the tiredness comes, and sometimes simply by way of all those thoughts zigzagging round my mind, but then it is also finding those snatches of rest, and glimpses of restfulness. waking up again refreshed, consoled, having caught a moment of the Father’s presence. isn’t that what it was like too?

“For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD will give grace and glory…” (Psalm 84:11)

sun and shield…grace and glory. good times and bad, hot times and cool, up times and down. whatever, whenever, He meets us where we are! it’s not a promise of “bad things he will withhold”…no. but He promises the shield as He does the sun, grace as glory. and no good thing will He withhold.

it is enough. in the acceptable time it will be.

คิดถึง

there is something about the way words and phrases are described in different languages that make them special, and that helps us understand and get a sense of what they mean better in some languages than others.

say, the word “miss”. on its own we won’t really know what is being referred to, for there are a number of possibilities. there’s nothing in the word itself that gives the same warmth the phrase “i miss you” does.

but in chinese, it’s hard to imagine a literal translation of that phrase. just the verb 想念 already tells a lot. there are two hearts there, speaking of that kind of warmth that comes with missing someone, and then in the chinese phrase there is the idea of thinking of, thinking about…the mind’s engagement along with the heart’s.

then in thai, it is that familiar คิดถึง. it’s a phrase that is used just on its own to mean what english says in three words — i miss you. i can say simply, เพยองคิดถึงนะ and that’s almost the most mushy thing anyone can say. hahaha. but literally, this verb also has the idea of thinking of, thinking until a point/person. and with this phrase, there is a greater sense of one’s thoughts being with that person, and abiding there. in a way there is already the assumption of happy loving memories, something to cling to in thought.

this incessant moving on may not be a bad thing.

contradictory

today we learnt that word at tuition — contradictory. opposite, different.

every night and day there is a huge fight inside of me.

my mind thinks and thinks and thinks and it cannot stop.
my spirit knows the night is for rest, and i should rest.
my body feels tired and heavy (it is), and it doesn’t hear the clocks; i can’t get up.
my soul waits.

pain

the heart
dies a silent death.
each stab less acute than the last,
until at last
there is no response.
and that is the saddest of all,
that blank
unfeelingness –
staring,
walking by
like it has never known another.

game

while people are playing complex and multi-leveled, multi-stories type computer games and finding themselves unable to get away from them, i’m playing bejeweled, and staying up past my bedtime to play more games. archaic game i know, but i’m so fascinated.

how did they make it such that there is always always a way to match the gems, if only we’d see it? maybe when i earn money i’ll buy the copy of the exodus one that crosswalk sells. so fun, with Bible story some more.