a miraculous sort of day

so the other day i was really counting the minutes while fretting about my classes, because it was my most packed day as well as the last day of the week before the much-awaited long weekend. by the first period i started to surf some sites that put up available jobs just to see if there was anything else calling out to me. there wasn’t. 

so the classes were ok, ok, nice and sad. and just before four, after my sad class, i went downstairs only to see one of my ex-students all grown up kinda hanging around. i always knew he was mature and somewhat perceptive, but that day he proved it again in various ways. 

so we were chatting for a bit about various things, and at some point in time he said, “it’s sad la ms lee last time you were always so nice but now you’re so cynical!” i was a little surprised that he was so honest about it but also kinda disturbed, so upon asking him further i decided to be honest (finally) and started telling him about how i started out trying to be nice even to the older kids, and one class especially did so poorly that i felt it my fault that they were not disciplined enough to do well. immediately he reached one hand out to hover above my shoulder and said, “there, there.”

then came his question: why are you a teacher? he then went on to say that he remembers asking me that when he was in y3, and i’d given him so cliched a response that he hadn’t bothered remembering it. and he went “so i ask you again, why do you want to teach?” that day was the day that i thought i continue to believe that teaching is a noble job, but i was starting to doubt if i were noble enough.

then my boy went on, “a teacher chooses to pursue one of two things. the first is to make her students happy. the second is to make her students pass. which do you choose?”

he later went on to justify his point with a very good example from our school, and he even broke down for me the three reasons students admire teachers:

1. they are very clever and skilled in their subject (particularly math/sci teachers)
2. they are passionate about what they’re doing and not just a job-keeper 
3. they are nice and can get along well with the students

he even disclaimed that the nice teachers who don’t prove themselves able in their subject area are almost magnanimously tolerated, and that the first are often the most astounding.

later on our conversation shifted to his primary school penknife-waving days, his little friend in the states now, his parents and how they had him read lun yu, his friends and the role he plays to them, his state of results now, his opinion of changes going on in the school, his thoughts about other teachers and his admiration for the school principal. he also went on to his newfound faith in God and his inability to submit to the Lord Jesus yet as a God worthy of worship. he told me about the things he found out that convinced him about christianity, as well as the things that he quizzed his christian friends about and how they gave him unsatisfactory answers…he told me to first send him stuff that would help him pass his GP rather than stuff that would tell him who Jesus is and why the Bible is real and reliable and the inspired Word of God…he told me how he tells his parents that the lun yu says that while we can choose not to subscribe to another’s belief, we cannot put down their belief, everytime they warn him about attending church.

so this boy is going to work hard for his A levels, find out more about Jesus and attend church more regularly after that, and also write me a little handbook on “what makes a good teacher”.

so on one of the lousiest days in school when i wondered if i ought to teach, i got counselled by my student for more than an hour.

it was a miraculous sort of day, the kind of day that each day mummy feels well is. we anticipated so much worse, but now every day is a little miracle, is a gift to make up for all the days we did not have with one another.

we all live in God’s mind and in His heart. His lovingkindness is better than life.

Today I feel like I can’t go on anymore.

hupomone

perfect love

I’m not sure what exactly it was, but by this afternoon I had a heavy sense of fear in my heart. I think it might have been to do with the nightmares in the past few nights, or perhaps the minor accident this afternoon, or the thought that my apple store account might have been hacked into. Anyhow it was a foreboding sense that something bad might happen, and it weighed on my heart. After a while I thought to myself, what worse thing could happen when one of my worst fears have already been realised these past few months?

Fear is crippling. It crowds the mind and renders one out of breath, and it makes one more lonely than ever. And there can always be more fear. It intensifies — i fear falling ill myself, i fear having to spend nights alone in the hospital, i fear i will one day fear being alone, i fear there is no hope.

There are good days; west coast park mccafe was one of the best. We got what we set out to do — there were problems and we had to make a detour, but it turned out alright in the end. There was strength enough; there was some certainty; there was hope enough, and as we sat and watched young people and sipped our drinks and had our tea, we felt stronger, surer, more hopeful.

Many times i don’t know what to say. Sometimes i don’t know what to do, and then i’m reminded that there are ways to find out and it will be okay. Often i don’t know if i’m doing right, or if there’s anything else i should do. But there is also a stability that comes from knowing that it is not all up to me, that it is not my burden to bear alone. There is only so much i can carry, and that all i will be asked to carry.

Sometimes the morning brings with it its own new hope and strength. The best days begin with a reminder, a serene recollection of promises that will hold true no matter how untrue i am. i am not mine to save, and i don’t need to save anyone. All the saving has already been done. i am not the one who has overcome the world.

How precious is He!

Rest Week #2, Part 2

So yesterday was a wonderful day. We were all so happy and Mummy was also happy to be out, to be free, to forget that she was ever ill. And very quickly, today is different.

When i texted her in the middle of the day i felt something was wrong, because usually when she’s feeling good her reply would be emphatically good. Today she just said “I’m ok”, which usually means it’s nothing to be too worried about, but it’s not that great either. So by the time i got home she was drinking hot milo in the afternoon to try and get that feeling of bloatedness away by making herself burp. She seemed ok, though, but the content of her chat had become different again: my grandfather’s latter years of life, the years leading up to his death, the necessary decisions she had to make, her investments, the money we’ve spent, how much is left, what’s needed, what she wants for the future.

She had very little over dinner, but it could partly be due to the food too…not quite her sort of thing today, but certainly not quite her kind of appetite for these two weeks either. Then she went to sleep by 8.

i think when we were having the good day yesterday, we all knew that we must treasure that, because not every time would be that good. And i think as we sat and looked at one another today, each one not saying what we knew the others were also thinking about, we were in no way resentful, or upset, or disappointed even. Yes, we wondered if there was too much revelry yesterday and too little caution, but i think we knew too that we were just making the most of the day, the trip, the chance, and we’re just watching how things go today.

One Voice sang of God’s mercies renewed every day at service yesterday…and indeed they are. His compassions fail not, and we can always depend on His grace to get us through our days.

Do we believe it?

Rest Week #2

Perhaps chronicling the little miracles and the little joys of every day would help people learn to be more thankful and more joyful.

Today i brought mummy to church. She’s been feeling so good this week that she says it has been the best she’s feeling since even before the surgery. She feels stronger, fresher, more sturdy as she walks. So we had a good time at church, sitting in the midst of the congregation, watching her pray during pre and post worship, hearing her sing and keep up with the tunes that she’s not yet familiar with, yet whose words she knows are true from experience. After many friendly hellos and howdoyoudos, we went to meet my sister for lunch.

My sister had a good call last night too. They even made dinner together and got 6 hours of sleep, which is really as good as it gets. So we had a wonderful lunch that was very yummy and had several jokes peppered within. After that we got to walk around a bit: to Marks and Spencer, Mango, Tangs. It was only after that that mummy felt tired and needed to sit down, so she hung on to my arm and i brought her back while my sis went to get the bread and cakes.

Mummy was a little disappointed because she had wanted to buy the cakes and all for everybody. She said it felt good spending her own money again and getting stuff for the family, and she did. At M&S she just kept going, Get it too! Get it too! Put it in the basket! And it really felt like Christmas.

So her next rest week is Christmastime, and we’re all hoping and praying that it will be as good as this one. But whatever the case, it is, after all, Christmas, and nothing can change that.

Psalm 139

i’ve been thinking for a while that i ought to write again, because it helps me sort some things out in my mind, and it’s always bad when things are just left to fester within. But too many days it has also been hard to start writing, simply because there is so much to say, and yet nothing at all. If anything, these few weeks have been a time of isolation — not because i’ve not been in the midst of people, but because whether or not i am with people, and no matter how many, there is the nagging sense that i am ultimately still alone.

There was a time when i recognized that kind of an aloneness, and i thought it was fine, and perhaps even a good thing. This time the isolation feels a lot scarier, like the ground is giving way beneath and there is nothing that would hold me up. It’s almost as if a certain stability and certainty that i took years to find earlier has been lost somewhere along the way.

It could be a good thing. Perhaps it is being forced to come face to face with everything that is real, and realizing that i’m a lot less real than i had wanted to be. Perhaps it is a matter of recognizing what is already there, and being accepting of it all. Perhaps it is a matter of remembering what i ought to remember, because only that can save me. Perhaps, perhaps.

But there has certainly been many occasions that i’ve been given opportunity to think: If there is nothing else that occupies me in my life, then what? What is my life all about, in its very essence? Who am i really? And that is when the ground gives way beneath. i have a feeling i’ve thought of all these before and found really good answers as well, but somehow i’m finding it hard to remember.

My memory is too poor. i can’t recall past events, and worse still, my memory is pessimistic-selective. i can’t remember people either, and worst of all i can’t remember love.

i feel uprooted, i feel in limbo, i feel insufficient, i feel helpless, i feel trapped, i feel unsure. And i know i’ve felt like this before and people feel like that all the time, and i know it doesn’t have to be like this always…but for now it is hard to see beyond the day, and i’m thankful for the very tangible reminder of the engraving on my ipad:

in Your book they all were written
the days fashioned for me

And for now it is enough.

onward

When i got back yesterday after being at hostel for a night, there were lots of updates. Mum’s bag and tube were gone, and in its place were plasters in an “L” shape that she was very tickled by. Then she said, “Chemo is going to start tomorrow.” and then my sister came by and told me a list of very important things:

1. Temperature must be taken every day. Anything above 38 degrees is a fever.
2. In the case of fever, immediate trip to A & E. Three things must be said: My mum has colon cancer, she is on chemotherapy, she has a fever.
3. Her chemo pills must be handled only by herself. We mustn’t even take it out of the foil for her because the contact itself will kill our cells.
4. There shall be no more visitors.
5. Anyone who is sick (cold, flu, cough) must not go near Mum.
6. All the medicines for the possible side effects are upstairs. Take only what is needed.

And then Mum said, “There is one more important thing. If anything happens and i have to be sent to ICU, and the doctor asks if you want me to be resuscitated, my answer is no. Ask him what the outcome will be. If i’ll be in a vegetative state, then no.”

My sis asked, “Did you tell meimei about the 5%?” My mum chuckled and said she was flipping through a pamphlet at the hospital that talked about colon cancer, and apparently the survival rate for Stage 4 colon cancer is only five percent. But we talked about how statistics are just numbers, how we don’t depend on chances, how it is a loving and powerful God who holds our lives in His hands. And in her emphatic way that has become almost characteristic of her these days, she said, “对！”

Then she talked a bit more about the house and the accounts and the investments, and at the end of the day she even said of the house, “Oh well, so i’ve paid for it all my life, so i’ve spent my whole life tending it with care…but i’ve also enjoyed it all these years, and should it fall to ruin, then so be it.” i asked her if she were ready for the chemo, since it was kinda sudden that she’s starting it now, and she said yes.

When we sat down for dinner she said meimei should say grace because she has already said grace with jiejie during lunch. It is nice to know that we pray together at every meal, and that every time we pray she is brought to the Lord at His throne of grace again, and that’s not all the time she is there. Before she slept she said there is a lot she wants to “跟上帝讲” and that she felt a bit bad that she  talks to Him so much in bed, and that she wanted to talk to Him when she sits up too.

By now she would have taken the first chemo pills. i wonder how she is. She said much prayer is needed to keep her focused and at peace so that she won’t keep thinking about the side effects…who knows who will get what anyway? So we are all praying, and we know that we can be kept in perfect peace when our mind is stayed on Him. i kinda wanna be at home today…but i don’t have to be there to know that God is there.

the house

We were talking about the house, and it is something that obviously hangs heavy on her mind. After all, it is the one key asset in her name, and it is where she has spent the last 25 years of her life, where she has seen 3 girls grow, where her own father breathed his last. She has been the only one amongst all of us who has spent all her years there. The rest of us have moved out at some point in time or other, and while some did move back, most did not, and some never will again.

“Will you let the house become like the other two we’ve seen gone to waste?
Will our house become like the one a few doors down, overrun with weeds and rats?
Will the house be sold to nonchalant occupants who will not understand why that corner house on a little hill has so much potential and has windows facing every direction, lets the sun in at the right places at the right time, and has the wind blowing through it from tip to tip all day?”

“What would you like to see the house be then?”

“i just want you girls to have a home to go back to; a 娘家you know you always belong in. i didn’t have one, and i want you girls to.”

It was funny/weird, but the one time she laughed the most heartily and the loudest in all this time was tonight, when she was talking about how much she liked the house. “我真的很喜欢那间屋子，我死都不搬！” Just as the thought popped into my head, she said it first: “现在真的死都不搬了啊！”  Then she burst into her hearty laughter, and as i laughed, half wondering if it was appropriate, she added: “会笑就赢了！ ”  And so we had some deliberate ha-ha-has.

But neither of us knew exactly what to do with the house, even if i do manage to keep it somehow. How will we take care of it with no one living there? How do we ensure that it will not be desecrated by whoever sets foot in or his hands on it?

After all, it is probably not just about the house. We kept veering off to many stories of the past.

“Do you remember the time you came home from school one day and told me that your teacher wrote your name on the blackboard? i even asked if it was because you did something well. But you shyly told me no, and that your teacher had said we had insufficient funds in your Giro account. i got such a shock and felt bad for you, so i hurriedly asked if you were the only one. You then said that there were many names on the board, most of whom were the Malaysians in your class.”

“i don’t know why i don’t tell my own sisters these things, nor do i tell my friends, nor do i tell my sisters-in-law…i don’t tell anyone all these at all, but somehow i tell you all about it.”

“when you girls come into the room and chat with me as i lie here, it’s like we’re back at Skudai again, don’t you think?”

But we ended the night time chat today talking about Solomon, and how in his riches and wisdom and fame, his conclusion was that all is vanity, and the only thing worth doing, keeping, having is faith in the Lord God Himself. Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is man’s all.

home

Mum was reading a devotional called “God Will Make A Way” that day, and she said she found an answer to a question that she had been asking a long time, but never was quite satisfied. She used to wonder why it is that many Christians only come to faith in times of difficulty. The writer of this devotional had told a story of a man who never bothered with his neighbours, colleagues and friends. But one day he was found to have cancer, and to his surprise, his neighbours came to him and offered help in many ways, his friends called him up and kept him company, his colleagues were kind and eager to give advice and practical help. He was moved, and finally opened his heart up to them. For Mum, this helped her understand that it is often only in times of crisis that people have their eyes open to the blessings that have been poured out on them. 患难中是有幸福的。 That was enough for Mum. That is what she is experiencing now.

Today, while my sis and i were out, Aunty LE came to visit Mum. She sat with Mum for quite a while and chatted about all sorts of things. She opened her heart up to Mum and shared with her many things that still ring in Mum’s mind. She bought her a lovely cake and explained that it was the best of its kind in Singapore (and it is). She brought her a book about a man who loved God and loved kids and prayed much. She prayed with Mum and in her prayer remembered even the small, practical things that everyone else seemed to have been fretting about. Mum talked about her to us for the rest of the afternoon and night.

i was very touched by Aunty LE’s gesture. It made me realise also that there is plenty of wisdom that goes into good intentions and visiting and ministry. Today was not a one-off event. All through the first surgery and recovery period, she had been texting and checking how Mum was. She was always keenly aware that this is not just about Mum, but all of us. She prayed hard; she showed concern to everyone; she was just as Mum would herself have been in such a situation. When she visited Mum in hospital, she even got some tarts for us kids. She is genuinely keen on being Mum’s friend.

Talking about other things, Mum had commented almost reluctantly that she had been living without love and appreciation for the past few years. Present company notwithstanding, she adds of course. But i wouldn’t be surprised otherwise. The other night she said that she knew my sis and i are very happy that she’s here, because we can chat with her and all. But she wished it weren’t in such circumstances that she came. That reminded me of the time she came to stay for a while, just because, and i would come back after school every day and actually see my family members, and hang out with them a bit. And there were people to eat dinner with, at a round table. The day she went back to JB, i stood at the window and watched her from a distance until she boarded the bus, and it made me tear.

In my younger years i wished very much for my family to be complete. i hated the distance and discord, and it ate me up. i’ve almost forgotten those times and that desire, until just. Now it’s just seeing how each person in my family could come to know the bigger family in my church, and join that even bigger family in Heaven in time to come.

That is enough.

 

 

by your side

 

By Your Side – Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don’t turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I’ll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don’t fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world’s sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I’ll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)